Grief doesn't follow a calendar, but certain times of year can bring it rushing back. Easter is one of them. The egg hunts, the family gatherings, the long weekend together: all of it can make the absence of someone you love feel louder than ever.
Here's some guidance on how to support your tamariki / children and matatahi / young people through Easter when they're grieving.
Why can Easter feel especially hard?
Easter is a holiday built around ritual: egg hunts, special meals, time off school, extended whanau gathering. All of that togetherness can make the absence of the person who died feel more pronounced.
For tamariki / children, Easter can also bring up confusing, conflicting emotions. They might feel excited about chocolate and school holidays, and then feel guilty for feeling happy. It's important to reassure them that it is completely okay to feel joy and sadness at the same time. Grief isn't a sign that they've forgotten the person who died, and neither is laughter.
The lead-up to Easter can sometimes feel harder than the day itself. Be mindful of the days and weeks before, not just Easter Sunday.
Insights from a Kenzie's Gift clinician
“Remember that young people process grief in a different way than adults. One minute they can be talking about important feelings such as sadness, confusion, and anger, and then the next minute they move very quickly onto another issue, often unrelated to the grief. Children can be more fluid in moving from one aspect to another in their lives. Whereas sadness may present itself in more obvious ways with adults and last more consistently.”
— Cate Hey, Child and Adolescent Clinical Psychologist, Kenzie's Gift
Remember or avoid?
Everyone in your whanau may feel differently about how to spend Easter. Some tamariki might want to keep familiar traditions going. Others might find those same traditions too painful this year without the person who died there.
Talk with your tamariki ahead of time. Ask them how they're feeling about Easter and what they'd like to do. Try not to assume. What helped last year might not feel right this year.
If your whanau feels differently from each other, consider finding one moment in the day, perhaps in the morning, where you come together to remember the person who died. This gives everyone a chance to acknowledge their grief, while leaving space for those who want to move through the rest of the day more gently.
Choosing to mark the day or not doesn't reflect how much you or your tamariki love or miss the person who died.
A note from Kenzie's Gift founder, Nic Russell
21 years on and grief is still here, like a chronic condition, it's not going anywhere. Holidays can knock me off my feet, especially seeing kids on Easter egg hunts having a blast with their families. Those moments hit hard. What's helped me is getting out — a weekend away, a swim, a dive, a hike. Getting absorbed in the wild puts things in perspective and away from the reminders.
— Nic Russell, Founder, Kenzie's Gift— Nic Russell, Founder, Kenzie's Gift
Looking after yourself
It's easy to focus so much on supporting your tamariki that you forget to look after yourself. But you're grieving too, and how you cope shows your tamariki that it's okay for them to cope as well.
Try to carve out some time for yourself over Easter, whether that's a quiet walk, a phone call with a trusted friend, or simply sitting with a cup of tea. You don't have to hold it all together perfectly. Being honest with your tamariki about your own feelings, in an age-appropriate way, helps them feel less alone in theirs.
If you feel comfortable, let teachers, whanau and close friends know that Easter is a tender time for your family so they can check in and offer support.
9 ways to mark Easter after someone has died
1. Cook or bake something they loved.
Hot cross buns, a special chocolate cake, a family recipe. Food is a powerful way to feel connected to the person who died. If cooking together feels like too much, simply sharing a lolly or treat they loved is enough. Click here if you’re looking for some inspo. (https://kidspot.co.nz/tag/easter-treats/ - Open in new tab hyperlink)
2. Make a memory tree or gratitude tree.
Find a branch and put it in a vase, or use a small potted plant. Cut out egg shapes or leaves from paper and ask tamariki to write or draw memories of the person who died, things they're grateful for, or messages to them. Hang them on the branches. This can become something you add to each Easter. (https://www.instagram.com/reels/DQsTJXRDqbw/ - open in new tab hyperlink)
3. Get creative together.
Easter is a great excuse to make things. Paint or dye eggs (or stones work too) in the colours your loved one liked or decorate one just for them that sits somewhere special. Make a memory box and decorate it together. Draw or paint a picture of them. There's no right way to do it. The making is the point. Or look to Suzy Cato’s for some inspo. (https://womanmagazine.co.nz/im-so-eggcited-5-fun-easter-games-and-crafts-for-kids/ open in new tab hyperlink)
4. Make an Easter playlist together.
Dig out all the songs they loved and make it the soundtrack for the whole day. Put it on for the egg hunt, breakfast, the drive, whatever. Let tamariki add their own picks too. It becomes your whanau's Easter playlist — something you add to and play every year.
5. Set up a rabbit door the night before.
A fun tradition that kids love: set up a tiny door in the garden or on a skirting board the night before Easter, as if the Easter bunny came through it. You can add tiny footprints, a carrot, a little note. It shifts some of the focus to anticipation and imagination, which can be a welcome break for tamariki who are carrying a lot. (https://nz.pinterest.com/pin/2603712281549107/ open in new tab hyperlink)
6. Spend time outside.
Easter falls over autumn, a season of change, colour and quieter days. A walk, time at the beach, or an afternoon in the garden can be grounding for the whole whanau. It creates space for reflection without any pressure to talk or do anything in particular.
7. Include them in the day.
If you're spending Easter with whanau or friends, consider setting a small place at the table, lighting a candle, or simply saying their name out loud. Let others know it's welcome to talk about the person who died. Often people want to but don't know if it's okay. You could also encourage tamariki to write or draw a message to the person who died. Take it to their grave, leave it somewhere meaningful, pop it in a memory box, or if you're near water, send it off in a bottle. Some families read their messages aloud together. Others keep them private. Do what feels right.
8. Donate or do something kind in their name.
It can feel really hard not to be able to give the person who died a gift at Easter. Doing something kind in their name can help. Pop a chocolate egg in the foodbank collection, donate to a cause they cared about, or do a small act of kindness that reminds you of them.
Button [Give a gift today] https://donate.kenziesgift.com/ open in new tab hyperlink
Button [Set up a regular gift] https://donate.kenziesgift.com/#donate open in new tab hyperlink
9. Be gentle with yourselves.
Give your whanau permission to have a day that looks different to what Easter used to look like. It's okay not to do the egg hunt. It's okay to cry at the table. It's also okay to laugh, play and enjoy the day. There is no right or wrong. Only what feels right for your whanau, this year.
If you feel like you or your tamariki need extra support, Kenzie's Gift offers 1-on-1 therapy, support kits and other resources such as articles and The Grief Podcast, all specifically tailored for young Kiwis and their whanau. You don't have to do this alone.
Support: https://www.kenziesgift.com/get-support
1-on-1: https://www.kenziesgift.com/1-on-1-therapy
Support kits: https://www.kenziesgift.com/support-kits
The Grief Podcast: https://www.kenziesgift.com/articles?category=Podcasts#article-scroll-anchor
Articles: https://www.kenziesgift.com/articles
