Edward was 10 when his mum Selina died of breast cancer. Having separated when Edward was a baby, David and Selina had worked hard on their parenting relationship. They made sure they agreed on the ‘big stuff’ and put Edward’s wellbeing first in all their decisions. ‘Selina’s dedication to Ed was second to none. Ed had a very strong relationship with his mum.’
Selina was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019. She had a mastectomy and chemotherapy, and was well for several years. But in 2022, her cancer returned – more aggressively this time.
When her doctors in NZ said they couldn’t do more for her, Selina travelled overseas to seek alternative treatment. Ed came to live with his father and partner Amelia. ‘This was a period of big adjustments for Ed: having a different primary caregiver and his mum being sick.
‘When the person you care about is affected by something beyond your control it brings on a whole raft of mental states and unknowns... Something is happening that is beyond your sphere of influence.’
Selina died while overseas. ‘It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, telling Ed that his mum had died... We were expecting her to come back and have time with family. But at the same time, it was her prerogative to explore these avenues. She believed in the approach, and she gave everything she could to get better, to beat it.
‘Ed was the most important thing in the world in her eyes, and in my eyes as well. It’s such a vulnerable place to be. It can be really hard to navigate... It’s so much for a little guy to take on. It’s so brutal, so unfair.’
Their experience with Kenzie’s Gift
David describes the support and compassion his whānau has received from networks at school and at work. They found out about Kenzie’s Gift through Ed’s school and were referred to Christchurch-based Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist Jo Doyle.
‘Kenzie’s Gift provided an avenue for us to grieve, to communicate. And in a way, to get the good out of the bad. Jo was fantastic. She provided space for Ed to talk about his experience... It meant that he had enough strength to carry on, to avoid becoming reclusive or withdrawn. Therapy was an avenue outside of family where he could express himself in a private way, and talk about his relationship with his mum. It gave him a framework that is healthy and constructive.
‘To see a little person doing their work around this – I've been so impressed by the way he can take time, and just be in front of a photo of his mum... He’s worked through such big stuff.’
For David and Ed, finding Kenzie’s Gift was a moment where they felt as though they’d found a road map. ‘It helped us to feel like we weren’t lost. It was as though Ed had found a place where a journey can begin... As a parent you’re involved with therapy to a certain extent, but Ed’s doing his own work with Jo and they’re fostering their own relationship. It gave me reassurance that there’s someone else who is a safe pair of hands. It gives you so much relief. Because if your child is falling to pieces you’re in a heightened state, and that impacts on your relationship with them.
‘Therapy has had a huge impact on our lives. And of course there are still outpourings of grief and sadness. But with the therapy, it’s like having a container – something that is guiding the process of grieving and our sense of loss. I can’t express enough how much this has meant. It has meant that Ed could carry on with his life – return to school, take part in sports. He’s realised he can still engage, still participate. He sees himself growing and not standing still.’
David describes the ways in which they keep Ed’s mum close to them, and how central she remains in their lives. ‘Selina is always with us, we keep her alive in our family... We remember her beautiful nature, her giving self. The way she was, and the way she’d want us to be. Therapy has helped us to do that. The work that Jo has done has been like a pair of hands underneath our relationship, holding us up... It’s a huge weight off your shoulders.
‘Life is messy – it’s the full gamut of emotions. That’s what makes it beautiful. And giving yourself space to feel that is so important. That it’s okay to grieve – to feel like you're right at the bottom of the barrel. It’s normal, it’s a part of life.
‘What’s awesome is that Selina and I had an understanding that whatever happened we would make it work. And I think that she would be really proud of the path that we’ve walked so far.’
How you can get support
If you or your loved one would like support for tamariki who have a loved one with mate pukupuku / cancer, you can find our range of support kits here, or contact us for tailored advice on how we can help.
