Christchurch parents Sam and Carrie* had been together for 23 years. Carrie worked as a pastry chef, and in 2022, she graduated from her Bachelor of Arts in Māori and Indigenous Studies. On the day of her graduation, Sam explains, ‘we pulled a sneaky and got married right afterwards at Riccarton House.’
Soon after this day of celebration, things became difficult for the whānau. At the time, Sam and Carrie had an adult daughter each, and two younger children at home: Izzie, 5 and Luke, 15.
In January 2023, Sam’s mum – the children’s grandma – died suddenly of sepsis.
Shortly afterwards, Carrie’s mental health took a drastic turn. She had had mental health episodes before, and was aware it was an issue for her. ‘In the past she’d been able to get on top of it, but this time it got her pretty bad – she hit rock bottom’. Sam describes Carrie as behaving erratically. He knew something was wrong, and he kept a close eye on her. ‘The children were wondering “what’s wrong with mum?” The kids didn’t know how to take it.’ Sam explained to the tamariki as best he could that Carrie wasn’t feeling well.
Carrie’s mental health became an emergency, and she went into respite care. Sam explains that Carrie ‘wasn’t feeling the benefits of being there, and asked to leave’. On the ride home, Sam describes how Carrie tried to end her life. He explains that due to her state of mind, Carrie wasn’t able to understand her actions or to make decisions, and that after the episode she had no memory of what had happened.
After several more occasions where Carrie was unable to keep herself safe, she went back into respite care at a different inpatient unit where she stayed for around three months. Eventually, Carrie was able to return home, and things seemed to have turned around. ‘When she came home, everything was as good as gold. We’d gotten through it.’
But just a few months later, Carrie was experiencing some worrying physical symptoms. Sam went with her to the GP, where tests showed her blood count was extremely low and she required an immediate transfusion. ‘We went from one test to another, before we finally got the diagnosis: it was cancer. She’d just come right, and then she’s dealt this. And right before Christmas.’
Carrie underwent chemotherapy for a month, but the tumour in her small intestine wasn’t shrinking. The cancer then spread to her liver. Most days, Sam took Izzie, then six years old, to visit her mum in hospital.
Just under six months from her diagnosis, Carrie’s team called Sam to say that Carrie didn’t have long. She was brought home, where a bed was set up for her. With the support of nurses, Sam learned how to administer Carrie’s medications and care for her.
Carrie had Māori whakapapa, and Sam describes her spiritual connection to the pīwakawaka, for many iwi a spiritual messenger and connection to tīpuna / ancestors. Sam explains that not long before Carrie’s death, a pīwakawaka came into the house and visited every room. The bird reappeared many times, coming into the house or garden each time.
Carrie died on the 18th of April, 2024. Izzie was six at the time, and her brother Luke was sixteen. ‘They were at home to feel it all and see it all, along with me.’
Exactly two months later, Sam’s dad – the children’s grandad – also died. The whānau had lost mum, Carrie, and both of dad’s parents within just 18 months.
From Carrie’s mental health episode to her illness, and then to her death, Sam has had to take a lot of time off work to take care of Carrie and the children. ‘It’s been pretty full on’, he explains, ‘but I don’t know where I’d be without my kids’. The first year was hard to get through, with the significant dates weighing heavily on them all.
Izzie’s school gave Sam the contact details of Dr Freyja Mann, clinical psychologist for Kenzie’s Gift. Through Dr Mann, Izzie and her dad were put in touch with a local Kenzie’s Gift therapist, with whom Izzie had nine funded sessions. Their therapist provided support for Izzie, and reassurance for Sam. He was relieved to hear that she felt Izzie was doing okay with the ongoing support of her dad.
Sam has also spoken to a therapist himself, and finds that sharing their story helps too. ‘There’s no shame in crying or talking about it when you need to. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help when things feel like they’re getting heavy.’
He’s grateful to Kenzie’s Gift for providing therapy, at a time when the whānau had been through so much. He explains that with support from a close-knit network of friends and family, they have been managing. Izzie is now 8, and Luke is 18. Sam feels time has softened the grief, although it comes up often, especially around the important dates.
Izzie knows about the meaning carried by the pīwakawaka, and the whānau still receives sees the fantail messenger regularly. Luke and Izzie both wear a necklace with their mum’s thumbprint on it. They find ways to keep her close as they move forward together.
*Names have been changed to protect the family's privacy
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