Emma's Story
On Christmas day 2023, Emma Muir-Woodley, a student at the University of Auckland, got a call from her mum. Emma’s dad was in hospital: he had just been diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer.
Emma and her family had noticed that he hadn’t seemed well in the months leading up to his diagnosis. ‘He’d been acting very differently - he didn’t seem like himself... He lived on a farm, he has always done things in his own way. He wasn’t the type of person who would go willingly to the doctor or seek help.’
They were told his cancer was terminal. A week after the diagnosis, Emma’s father decided to apply for assisted death. The family began the process of thinking about how they would organise this: who would be there, and what needed to be thought through.
Emma’s dad was granted permission for an assisted death a week later. Emma explains that on the morning of that day, her dad had a phone interview about his plan for euthanasia. That afternoon, as her mum went out to feed the horses on their Waiheke farm as they did every day, Emma’s father took his own life.
‘He wasn’t willing to let the cancer kill him. He wanted to die in his own way.’ But Emma explains that ‘suicide is not a victimless act.’ His death was a shock that had a huge impact on Emma, her mother and her sister.
‘When my aunt told me what had happened, it was a moment where I felt extremely isolated. Even though there were people all around me – I was at work – it felt like my world had completely stopped. That night, I went to visit three different friends. They tried to help me, comfort me, but it felt like nothing could reach me.’
‘Grief is one of those things that comes up when you really don’t need it to... On 2 June I was working a shift, and it was my dad’s birthday. I went up to a table, and there was a family celebrating their father’s birthday. For me it was the first of those hard milestones that you have to go through – the person’s birthday, Father’s/Mother’s Day, your own birthday, Christmas...’
Emma’s experience with Kenzie’s Gift
Emma’s had to work through her anger at her father for making what she describes as an impulsive decision. She’s focussing on accepting the reality of what happened. ‘The ‘what ifs’ have mostly passed. I’m trying to make space for the new people I’ll meet in the future, the new connections I’ll make... My grief has pushed me to do things I wouldn’t otherwise have. For example, I’ve stopped drinking. I’m studying a lot harder, and I have been getting really serious about taking care of my health.’
Through Kenzie’s Gift, Emma has had therapy sessions with Auckland-based clinical psychologist Cate Hey. ‘Being able to talk to a professional, to talk to someone about all these things without feeling awkward is so helpful. It’s hard to have to tell the same story over and over again. When I tell people what happened, they often don’t know what to say. Which is very reasonable. Before my dad died I felt shocked when someone my age told my their parent had died. But now that I’ve been through it, I understand how it feels... My therapy sessions have helped me feel a lot less isolated.’
Before even finishing her therapy sessions, Emma was already giving back by taking part in the Kenzie’s Gift Winter Swim Challenge. ‘I loved being part of the Winter Swim Challenge, it made me feel less alone. There are so many people in the Kenzie’s Gift community who have gone through similar things.’
‘I like the idea of more people who’ve been through what I’ve been through getting access to funded mental health support. Nobody chooses to lose a loved one, and it can be crippling for a lot of young New Zealanders.’
How you can get support
If you or your loved one would like support with an assisted dying process, you can find our assisted dying support kit here, or contact us for tailored advice on how we can help.
If your loved one has died by suicide, you can find our support kit on how to talk to tamariki about suicide here, or contact us for tailored advice on how we can support you.
