It's totally normal to feel like you don't know what to do when someone you care about is grieving. You’re reading this article, which means you’re thinking about how to help. Ka rawe!

First up: you don't need the perfect words

There isn't a magic sentence that fixes this. A grieving person can’t be talked out of what they’re feeling, and trying to find the ‘right’ thing to say can end up holding you back from saying anything at all. Your friend doesn't need you to have answers. The best thing you can do is be there, sit with the difficult emotions, and listen.

What can you do that’ll help?

1. Say something, even if it's awkward

• Silence can feel worse than an imperfect sentence. Something as simple as I heard about your mum. I don't really know what to say, but I'm here goes a long way.

• Avoid disappearing because you're scared of getting it wrong. We’ve heard from so many bereaved people who feel isolated because family and friends have ghosted them. Remind your friend you’re there for them.  

• Skip the clichés like everything happens for a reason or they're in a better place. Even with good intentions, these can feel dismissive. Keep it simple and honest.

2. Let them lead

• Some days your friend will want to talk about it. Other days they'll want to talk about anything but. Follow their lead.

• It's okay to ask: Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want a distraction right now? Giving them the choice takes the pressure off both of you.

• Don't avoid saying their person's name. Grieving people often worry everyone else has forgotten, and hearing that name can actually bring comfort, not pain.

3. Show up in ordinary ways

• Grief doesn’t disappear after a few weeks or months — it sticks around long after the messages stop coming in. Keep checking in with your friend. Make a note of the big dates (like anniversaries and birthdays) and let them know you’re thinking about them.

• Include them in activities like you normally would. Keep inviting them to things, even if they say no a lot at first. Being asked matters, even when they can't say yes.

• Small, practical gestures help more than big gestures. Sitting with them at lunch, sending a meme, walking to class together — these ordinary moments often mean the most.

4. Know what not to do

• Don't compare losses (I know how you feel, my dog died last year). Even though you mean well, this can minimise what they're going through.

• Don't put a timeline on it. There's no schedule for grief, and you’ll have to move on at some point energy — even unspoken — can be really isolating.

• Don't gossip about their situation, even with other concerned friends. Let your friend be the one to share what they're comfortable with, when they're ready.

If they're really struggling

Grief can look like sadness, but it can also look like anger, numbness, or a friend who seems totally fine one moment and falls apart the next. All of that is normal. But if your friend seems to be really struggling — withdrawing completely, not sleeping or eating, talking about not wanting to be here anymore — it's important to take that seriously.

• Tell a trusted adult — a parent, school counsellor, or teacher — even if your friend asks you not to.

• If you or your friend need immediate support, 1737 offers free, confidential support 24/7 (call or text), and YouthLine is available for young people ages 12–24 on 0800 376 633, or text 234.

• If they need someone specialised to talk to, Kenzie's Gift provides funded 1-on-1 therapy for young people who've had a parent or sibling die, or who are facing a serious illness in the whānau.

Look after yourself too

Supporting a grieving friend can be heavy, especially if you don't have anyone to talk it through with. It's okay to feel out of your depth. You can be a great friend to them and still need your own support: talk to your own trusted adult or another friend if you need to.

Tēnā koe – thank you for being a great friend.

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